Knuckle Knews: Local outfielder takes signs from base coach, charitable compass

Local outfielder takes signs from base coach, charitable compass

Sources report that a local outfielder was engaged in considerable deliberation as to whether he should take the pitch or swing away at a 3-1 delivery from the visiting pitcher. “It’s tough, you know. Am I going to get a double? Or am I going to maybe draw a walk?” he admitted. “There’s so much pressure on me.” To advise him in this matter, the batter caught a glimpse at the first-base coach, whose complicated pattern of touching his cap and uniform indicated the advised strategy. However, at the end of the day, the final decision was the outfielder’s alone.

The stakes are very high. Should he draw a walk, a giant footwear retailer will donate $50 to Socks Walks for Jocks And Blocks Lox for Pox, a charity that provides children suffering from contagious illnesses with brightly-colored building materials as well as fresh bagels. However, if he could launch an extra-base hit, he would instead incentivize a donation of $100 to Hubble Double Bubbles Against Rubble Trouble, a fund from an philanthropic astronomer to provide entertaining soap bubbles to children whose homes have been destroyed by natural disasters.

“It’s so hard to decide,” lamented the right-handed hitter. “There are only so many children I can indirectly benefit per day. Is it more important to just provide them with toys to take their mind off rough conditions, or do I also need to ensure they’re guaranteed a hearty breakfast? No matter how much work I do in the offseason for the foundation I have halfheartedly allowed my name to be plastered over, this cannot alleviate my moral uncertainty.”

The first-base coach, for his part, noted that despite the signals, he sympathized with his batter. “It’s a hard job, having to keep track of all these charities. I know our pitchers have to walk batters on occasion, just so our infielders can turn enough double plays for the double play fund. Times were less stressful in the more self-absorbed days, when all we had to worry about was making sure they all hit home runs in the fourth inning, so all our fans got free low-quality Mexican food.”

At press time, the outfielder was limping to first, having been hit by the pitch.


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