Knuckle Knews: Local outfielder takes signs from base coach, charitable compass

Local outfielder takes signs from base coach, charitable compass

Sources report that a local outfielder was engaged in considerable deliberation as to whether he should take the pitch or swing away at a 3-1 delivery from the visiting pitcher. “It’s tough, you know. Am I going to get a double? Or am I going to maybe draw a walk?” he admitted. “There’s so much pressure on me.” To advise him in this matter, the batter caught a glimpse at the first-base coach, whose complicated pattern of touching his cap and uniform indicated the advised strategy. However, at the end of the day, the final decision was the outfielder’s alone.

The stakes are very high. Should he draw a walk, a giant footwear retailer will donate $50 to Socks Walks for Jocks And Blocks Lox for Pox, a charity that provides children suffering from contagious illnesses with brightly-colored building materials as well as fresh bagels. However, if he could launch an extra-base hit, he would instead incentivize a donation of $100 to Hubble Double Bubbles Against Rubble Trouble, a fund from an philanthropic astronomer to provide entertaining soap bubbles to children whose homes have been destroyed by natural disasters.

“It’s so hard to decide,” lamented the right-handed hitter. “There are only so many children I can indirectly benefit per day. Is it more important to just provide them with toys to take their mind off rough conditions, or do I also need to ensure they’re guaranteed a hearty breakfast? No matter how much work I do in the offseason for the foundation I have halfheartedly allowed my name to be plastered over, this cannot alleviate my moral uncertainty.”

The first-base coach, for his part, noted that despite the signals, he sympathized with his batter. “It’s a hard job, having to keep track of all these charities. I know our pitchers have to walk batters on occasion, just so our infielders can turn enough double plays for the double play fund. Times were less stressful in the more self-absorbed days, when all we had to worry about was making sure they all hit home runs in the fourth inning, so all our fans got free low-quality Mexican food.”

At press time, the outfielder was limping to first, having been hit by the pitch.

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Knuckle Knews: Jackie Robinson Playing Right Field For Hypothetical White Sox

After going to “New Comiskey”/”The Cell” a couple weeks ago, I got struck by a bunch of parodic news articles I could write. Now that real life has settled down a bit (after some exciting transitions!) I thought I’d write some of these up. Not sure they’ll become a regular feature, but I think it’s time to try a little new direction on the blog, for now.

Jackie Robinson Playing Right Field For Hypothetical White Sox

THE ETERNAL COMISKEY PARK, ELSEWHERE–As has occurred countless times before and will occur countless times again, Jackie Robinson, famed civil rights pioneer, is busy playing right field for the Hypothetical White Sox. Robinson, ageless, has once again been pressed upon to make the third out of the first inning in the “How To Keep Score” box within the White Sox’ scorecard.

“Would I like to see Jackie go up there and get a hit one of these times?” said the Hypothetical Sox’ manager. “Sure I would. Just like I’d love to give him a chance to platoon a little with Nellie [Fox] at second base. But such things can never be, for lo, here is the scorecard, and behold, such example games must always play out the same way.”

“There are no rainouts in the Eternal Comiskey Park,” he added.

Robinson has struggled since joining the Hypothetical White Sox, and yet he is still penciled into the fifth spot in the batting order despite an 0-for-eternity slump. “I think he’s doing a great job, personally,” said cleanup hitter (and well-known first baseman) Minnie Minoso. “Ever since his number was retired and he joined the ranks of the historic Hypothetical White Sox, he’s been proud to contribute his talent for us.”

The manager expressed his hopes that Robinson appreciated the nuances of the Hypothetical American League. “I love having a DH on my team, so I don’t need our pitchers to bat,” he said. “Not that we’ll ever get to the bottom of the order, because Robinson is always ending the first inning. But the DH provides an opportunity for, you know, maybe some of these hard-slugging guys who can’t quite cut it defensively to stay in the game. Isn’t that right, Luis [Aparicio]?”

At press time, Robinson was unavailable for comment, because he needed to check in with his retired-numbers comrades for 29 other clubs.