This was a long post. I might talk about similar topics soon. Possibly not. Who knows.
I fight through paranoia. It is not an abrupt rush of panic that looms and stops, but I am still afraid.
I try to follow an obvious standard. I try to do to my cohort of humans what I would want that cohort to do in my position. To do this is to think of my wants as normal things. I’m normal, right? Just as I would not want a punch or kick or slap from you, so too will I not punch or kick or slap you. Just as I want food and clothing for survival, so too should I do donations, so that all might own food and clothing.
Just as I am fond of my thoughts, not wanting you to jump in my way and say “NO, YOUR THOUGHT IS WRONG, STOP THINKING THINGS THAT YOU THINK, YOU MORONIC IDIOT,” so too will I not jump in anybody’s way saying “SHUT UP AND STOP YOUR WRONG THOUGHTS.”
Now, no pair of individuals is isomorphic; my goals will not match up with yours in all ways. I might want a maroon hat and you might want a gold scarf; that is okay, isn’t it?
What if it wasn’t? If a bit of individuality is common, I cannot say that what I want is what all would want. So how should I know what to do? I am not psychic. I cannot look into anybody’s mind to find out.
If I try to say “no, I am not just a copy of all of you, I am built funnily, I don’t think in normal ways,” you will laugh and say “shut up, you just want to look cool, you cannot axiomatically show that you think distinctly, all you liars just want to act dumb and not worry about anything.” I cannot say “but I am not a liar, look;” too many liars cry wolf, and my truth is spit upon.
And if I say “okay, you all think how I do, and I think how you do, hooray,” that sounds all right. For a bit. So I start humming a song…a Christmas carol, why not. And you say “Christmas! Hooray! Sing us a song about snow and cold days.”
I say “okay, it’s almost January. Good plan. I will sing about cold days in January. And in July, I will sing about a mosquito and hot sunlight.”
You say “No, not hot sunlight in July. Just cold snow in and around January. Christmas.”
I say “I am glad your liturgical savvy knows that Christmas lasts until January fifth, okay, but no songs for various months? Just snow?”
You say “okay, skip that, sing a song about falling in lust and kissing Santa or wanting a ring or last Christmas you took my vital organs and stuff.”
I say “but I didn’t fall in lust or do any of that, and what has that got to do with Christmas?”
You say “nothing but who isn’t a fan of kissing?”
I say “kids?”
You say “kids don’t count, kids will stop kidding around and throw away childish convictions and just want to kiss stuff.”
I say “I didn’t.”
You say “I thought you said you didn’t want to stand out, you would shut up now as standing out is bad. So shut up and lust for Santa.”
I say “This is so dumb. Okay. I will sing an actual hymn about Christ.”
You say “Stop talking now, okay?”
I say “I am not standing out. Christianity is a common thing. So I will sing carols. How about a Latin chant? Or a translation of a song from Spain? Four-part harmony is always good.”
You say “Christianity is so common a thing that lots of Christians obtain political control and do bad things.”
I say “It is a fact! Sin is a common thing!”
You say “You look smart, and your political inclination is on many affairs similar to ours!”
I say “On many topics, that’s right! Which is why I cast my ballot for your politicians! Look, I’m so old I cast ballots, I am not just a kid.”
You say “Not a kid? Huh? So why your faith and your conviction? Grow up and look cool!”
I say nothing.
I say nothing so I can sit by you and pick up on your story, your humor, your wit, your smart thoughts.
But I am not cool.
Nor am I normal.
I am just too afraid to talk.