Top Nine Potential Winter Olympic Sports

With the forthcoming substitution of golf and rugby union for baseball and softball in the Summer Olympics, there will likely someday be changes to the Winter Olympic program. I’ve taken the liberty of compiling some suggestions and critical commentary.

*Frozen-water skiing
Good news: life jackets less necessary than normal.
Bad news: I think there’s some sort of ban on motor vehicles in Olympic races.

*Uphill skiing
Good news: don’t need any new facilities.
Bad news: not very exciting for the television audience.

*Ice fishing
Good news: more widespread than other contenders.
Bad news: makes coming up with a cute mascot a little harder.

*Short track figure skating
Good news: there’s precedent for combining two separate events.
Bad news: After figure ones and figure sevens, there’s not a lot you can do on a short track.

*Phiathlon
Good news: faster than the biathlon.
Bad news: It’s a little irrational.

*Full pipe snowboarding
Good news: twice as intense as the halfpipe.
Bad news: Hard for the judges to get a clear view of the action.

*Mummy
Good news:  you could probably convert the skeleton tracks for it.
Bad news: uniform costs are a bit prohibitive.

*Joesled
Good news: It’ll shut Joe up from whining about how Bob has his own sled and he doesn’t.
Bad news: If we give Joe a sled, Bill is gonna want one too, and then so is Mary…

*Sliding, seated without any equipment, down an icy hill
Good news: I could probably win a medal at this.
Bad news: Freestyle competition has taken a hit since overzealous elementary school recess-patrollers banned jumps.

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4 thoughts on “Top Nine Potential Winter Olympic Sports

  1. This post is awesome.

  2. “*Sliding, seated without any equipment, down an icy hill”

    I would a) add a costume component to this event and b) watch every second of it that was broadcast.

  3. I like the phiathalon… But aren’t winter sports irrational to begin with? Being outside in the ice/snow/cold/wind when you could be inside, wrapped up in an afghan, watching other people get cold…..

  4. Hockey is inside.

    Well, that’s a little violent.

    Curling. Curling is inside!

    I’m glad someone else supports the Ice Sliding event, but I’m not sure how much freedom competitors can have with their costumes. Maybe we should bribe the judges/elementary school patrollers–let the athletes go off the jumps, but force them to have snowpants on before competing. Then they can decorate their snowpants however they like. Seems fair to me.

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