Top Nine Potential Winter Olympic Sports

With the forthcoming substitution of golf and rugby union for baseball and softball in the Summer Olympics, there will likely someday be changes to the Winter Olympic program. I’ve taken the liberty of compiling some suggestions and critical commentary.

*Frozen-water skiing
Good news: life jackets less necessary than normal.
Bad news: I think there’s some sort of ban on motor vehicles in Olympic races.

*Uphill skiing
Good news: don’t need any new facilities.
Bad news: not very exciting for the television audience.

*Ice fishing
Good news: more widespread than other contenders.
Bad news: makes coming up with a cute mascot a little harder.

*Short track figure skating
Good news: there’s precedent for combining two separate events.
Bad news: After figure ones and figure sevens, there’s not a lot you can do on a short track.

*Phiathlon
Good news: faster than the biathlon.
Bad news: It’s a little irrational.

*Full pipe snowboarding
Good news: twice as intense as the halfpipe.
Bad news: Hard for the judges to get a clear view of the action.

*Mummy
Good news:  you could probably convert the skeleton tracks for it.
Bad news: uniform costs are a bit prohibitive.

*Joesled
Good news: It’ll shut Joe up from whining about how Bob has his own sled and he doesn’t.
Bad news: If we give Joe a sled, Bill is gonna want one too, and then so is Mary…

*Sliding, seated without any equipment, down an icy hill
Good news: I could probably win a medal at this.
Bad news: Freestyle competition has taken a hit since overzealous elementary school recess-patrollers banned jumps.

Acrostic

Kids watch with glowing souls, at this rising
Up from brown slush, to look down on clouds or
Mountains or tops of tracks. It’s surprising
And odd how illusions look if you soar.

Right now you can look at this world both ways.
It’s cold and harsh, but still a torch will burn.
Today it’s dark, but wait for distant days
And glory will show you that it’s your turn.

So climb to find clouds that will bring us snow.
High up, in this unforgiving thin air.
Victory blurs with loss. And now you go;
It’s fast and cold to burn out. It’s not fair.

Living is placid win and loss. But still
It’s all you know until it’s all downhill.

Winter of ’09

I got a blog of my own
Not that hard to do online
Posted every week or so
It was the winter of ’09

Wasn’t sure if I’d get real far
Didn’t have much of a plan
But there wasn’t anywhere to go
Cause I like the place I am.

Oh, when I look back now
I never really should have worried
Cause if I had the choice
Yeah, I’d do this blog the same way
No, it’s not much, but it brings pride.

Ain’t no use in nostalgia
When you’ve got a song to sing.
Spend my days at the computer
Thinking up some goofy thing.

February’s shivers came,
But winter wouldn’t last forever.
Oh, and as I read the screen
I figured it was then or never.
And I can say my choice was wise
Back in the winter of ’09.

So I was killing time
I was young and restless
I had to speak my mind.
And though nothing can last forever, oh no,

Even though the times are changing
Bits and pixels have come and gone,
Still I play around with the language
Cutting vowels or twisting a song.

I never want to believe
That my best days are gone forever.
There’s always something new in store.
I figured it was then or never
And I started something new
Back in the winter of ’09.