Results tagged ‘ football ’
Giants 21, Patriots 17
I don’t remember how many football fields I’ve ever seen. I could come up with a decent guess for in-person, but what about over the screen?
They are standardized, the white yard lines (which never, from my seat, look a yard apart, always more like feet) drawn on top of the green.
I’ve stood on a long but narrow lawn, and tried remembering (“How far away were you from the stage? Imagine a football field.”) And although
I know they’re supposed to be a unit, when it comes down to gauging with them in my head, I have to shrug and say “No, I don’t really know.”
But after misused timeouts allow the clock to tick along at what is for football an unusually clockesque pace, the last drive comes at last.
They zoom out. And though I don’t care who wins, the distance from the fifty-yard line or somewhere to the endzone has never looked so vast.
Vikings Stink
Administrator’s apology: I told this blog author to whip up a lipogrammatic post about a Vikings loss. Sadly, said author is a dumb idiot and was just totally plagiarizing an actual, non-lipogrammatic thing! Phrasings such as in football is “0-2, talking about a must-win situation in” and “turn as quickly and as dramatically as it did is frustrating” sound convincing at first, I know, but look on and you find out that it’s not a lipogram at all.
So, I cut out words that didn’t fit, but what I was stuck with was ungrammatical slop. So I put in a bunch of words to try and fix it all up but I think I just wound up making it bad still. I’m not much into gridiron football, you know. So…sorry. And sorry to Vikings columnist Mark Craig, who I’m still kind of plagiarizing. Alas.
First-half
in football is 0-2, talking about a must-win situation in his foosball pool
and blaming his punt-handling guys
for not playing all that much
in
half of its first two.
“I think our trinity of
word for
day is, ‘Wow, not again,’ ” Vikings
Fan #1
said and now wants to go to
Tampa Bay in Florida
a warm location, which is host
to a good squad, which can now and again obtain
victory in front of happy
fans in contrast to
Vikings’ thralls.
at. last!
Vikings sail across tumultuous storms and stuff in
a big boat
at San Francisco, until
losing a captain to nasty piranhas
in. said storms.
But as bad as that was, it
was much not as bad as that day poor Olaf, said boat’s cook, got scurvy
to which hungry
Vikings
dominating
Old-World trading paths
at odds with said piranhas
at.tacking wildly, wound up tossing Olaf to a shark.
Vikings brought
in total yards, of masts,
first downs,
rushing yards,
and.
stuff
playing a long round of Whist,
“This was just a horrid night,” your mom
said. But
now, and I don’t think
you should try sailing until fall or so, on
a boat
that fits
from Scandinavia
half to
half.”
Obviously, a slow start
has all
Vikings fans worrying
a lot
in a. tizzy
And Vikings
trail in Find Hudson
Bay standings, against Britain’s
Lions by two months going
in to a big
NFC North match which will burst
into Sunday’s ordinarily tranquil sanctuary.
against a Lions squad
that has won six coin flips in a row! Talk about random odds! That’s just a shot in sixty-four, guys!
and is coming off a glorious crusading
victory in
Kansas City.
“For,”
said Vikings coach
Donovan McNabb, “ want of a nail, our ship was lost. And truth
is, it’s a must-win situation.”
Against all
odds
it may
look as if Vikings can find a way to blow this upcoming match
too.
Only two
of
backups who saw
that ugly
0-2 start will go
on to
play in a third match. Don’t put cash on any to go to
playoffs. Of sorts
Vikings did it in back of Kristoff’s shack last Monday. It was hot and probably in violation of most Nordic law, but so totally worth it, if you know what I’m talking about.
Old
York Giants won a Union Jack
Bowl following
an 0-2 start.
“It’s tough to swallow,” coach McNabb
said. “If
you play as badly
as my squad was
playing, to watch luck
turn as quickly and as dramatically as it did is frustrating. I
got to rub down my
back Monday, find
out what Ragnarok
is and stop
it
in a hurry.”
Amazingly,
Vikings can’t work
for Odin or any particular crony of Odin’s
in forty-hour stints. Or
half. In fact,
only four
of NFL squads
was a round for
that odd occasion
as saints would go marching in. And not a Louisianan sort.
Sunday.
“I’m almost happy
to call it a
fact that it couldn’t possibly occur
again,”
Chad Ochocinco
said.
“with our bad
way of
playing and Adrian
was flying around making plays and showing
off his spiffy uniform. I’m talking flying, right? Through air
on third down [in
first half].”
Vikings
simply could not play football with skill
in any
half. Opposing mascot
Philip
of San Antonio
and Josh Groban
of Tampa Bay would call this “a shocking display”
of “gargantuan proportions”
for fantasy football fans who had to rack up, I don’t know, a thousand
yards and two touchdowns in
half. An hour
McNabb ran out
of gas, passing
for 77 yards and no TDs.
On Sunday, dozing
Vikings got stuck
0-for-4 on
third downs of pillows
Bucs, conscious
going 5-for-6.
Bucs also had good luck against
Vikings in total yards both front AND back yards!
In plots of land, about a
half. Furlong by a half furlong.
In
first half, Adrian
ran for sixty
yards and two touchdowns on crisp Astroturf
,
Bucs running back Jim
Blount ran for 4 yards on A boat, at which I took a good hard look.
In said day’s third
half, Randy Moss
was
to obtain just two
yards on top of four from his first night, for a (baby) grand total of six. Actually you would want a total of a thousand to wind up truly “grand.” Good luck, Randy.
Blount ran for six
yards and two touchdowns on his lucky socks. Actually lucky socks, not just a psyching-him-into-thinking-it’s-good-luck thing.
Vikings’ prognosis, obviously, is not too good. Possibly Yggdrasil will fall on top of opposition but don’t bank on it.
On, Friday
right back
Phil Loadholt sat
on. his foot and is probably out for a month.
Spiking
a first-down pass, running back Fats
was consuming bluish (with a hint of pink) folks
for holding in pass.
A short
punt got
Bucs a short sharp shot
at
Vikings. Two plays,
Blount ran away
from a goalpost fifty
yards. away
Vikings did not panic
and had
Bucs thirty points down
down in a good
situation to hold onto. But
Brian Robison couldn’t stay cool
on a play on which
Bucs. Ran for sixty yards and a touchdown.
That was good for
Bucs but not Vikings.
To, try and rally back
which didn’t actually occur, Vikings
did with a long
pass to Smith
that
up a trick play off a
goal post
in bounds. On its
third. Try, it did finally work, but at that point it was not important.
Midway through his
fourth, play-calling discussion, McNabb
was angry at his running back
for roughing up his clipboard
on a rusty old drinking fountain.
Following
a
touchdown pass to Um, I don’t know. Zobrist plays for Tampa Bay, right?
With half an hour
on that stadium’s clock, a TV guy said, “Oh
snap.”
on TV, fans had not run across good ads until
kickoff, in an AFC fight.
Picking up a
ball from 6 yards
in
from Tampa Bay’s hash, Adrian ran
and was brought down
at
a “push him out of bounds” play.
Bucs won
and.
It was a hard-fought win
, too:
six of Tampa Bay’s touchdowns will count for fantasy stats
for 51 yards against a soft down pillow
that,
in
first half, didn’t apply much. to
Vikings scalps. But possibly a good nap would assist said squad?
Johnson wants to know
what should his gang do with
an imbibing sailor
on first down from his own forty. Curious
Vikings all don’t know what to do
with him
, and Blount thinks you should find a way for him to rack up a
4-yard TD with two plays
to go.
“I got a lot of
crap out of us in
half,” of my bathroom
said. A furious McNabb. “But you all
got to find a way to play for not a lot of cash.
.”
Sharing the Night
Suburbans, nothing more, watched our neighbors tie the score.
We hear the song come on and we start to sway.
You want the lead back. Suburbans too, though you lack
A suburb of your own, still you watch us play.
A song streaming from the press box
Two schools, one game, but few hard knocks
Now it’s tied we can share the night
It goes on and on and on and on.
Strangers waving, back and forth in the bleachers
Their insults called across the way.
Students, people, in a moment all forgetting
Words they’d slung throughout the day.
Can we win? I doubt we will. Not used to this kind of thrill,
Thought we missed our chance when we rolled the dice, looked like the last time.
Some will win and some will lose
Though we wear opposing hues
We rock back like we were friends
And the game goes on and on and on.
Down by fourteen. Scored but missed the extra point.
Scored again to trail by two.
Tried for two points. Missed again, but then the safety
Brings on overtime–who knew?
We started leading.
What a novel feeling!
Field lights, people.
You scored, called timeout,
Stepped back,
Ready to leap,
Didn’t start kicking,
Toed the edge of defeat
And victory–
Friday Night Lights
Oh it’s quite a sight on the field Friday night.
The visiting ranks seem to swell.
Inviting them’s heady, the home team’s not ready
To face them and do very well.
And the kids’ t-shirts vary. The puns are not very
Amusing, you’ll be shocked to hear.
Though I’ve grown no taller, sophomores are smaller
Or at least that’s how they appear.
More predictable dances, even more failed chances.
I still don’t much care for the game.
But ticket-booth teachers and views from the bleachers
Remind me some things stay the same.
Yes, as fall follows fall, one constant above all
Is constant. It’s the lights themselves.
Two three-by-six grids should shine above the kids,
But there never have shown forth three twelves.
Each year without fail, at least one light will fail.
Or maybe nobody will fix
The ones that go black. No, we never get back
To what really should be thirty-six.
And so when they lose, which is not really news
There’s no need to sulk or feel grim.
It’s just part of the theme in the colorless scheme.
Things all have to be a bit dim.
But as I don’t bask in the glow, I still ask,
Should there really be seventy-two?
I now want to know if all lights are aglow
From the visiting stands’ point of view.
Packers 21, Bears 14
I’m rushing for a reason, for a change.
Not that rushing is anything that new
But my reason this time around is strange.
This shouldn’t just be done before it’s due
But done before the game. The football game.
The game of the century, or so they say.
I wouldn’t give it that kind of a name
But part of me now wants to see them play.
At first it’s just a joke, but jokes can be
Enough to draw you in. And then it’s more;
The kick returned, the O against the D;
And now I want the Bears to tie the score,
The game to keep going. It’s close enough
To keep my interest (“rooting” it’s not.)
No win brings pride, no loss is really tough,
It’s not a sport I think about a lot
And I’m not trying to procrastinate
(There’s too much work for that)–but it’s close now
The excitement builds. It can’t be too late
For them to mount a comeback, right? Somehow?
Football Fantasy
Spring 2005
“So how was your night?”
“Good! I had a vision.”
“A…vision?”
“It’s going to occur. Just as I saw it. I know.”
“O…kay?”
“It’s Monday Night Football, right? Vikings start it off against Giants’ crosstown rivals. Randy Moss drops back to pass.”
“Okay, what? No, Randy Moss isn’t with us now.”
“Right, but Moss will join us again.”
“Um…okay. And you said, drops back to pass?”
“Right.”
“But Moss isn’t a guy who throws footballs.”
“I know. But Moss throws it to anyway. To…oh, you know, that guy in shirt four.”
“No, I don’t know. No Viking is in shirt four.”
“That guy from Wisconsin. Who will at that point play for us, and want to win against his old squad.”
“But…wait, I thought you said it was…not against a squad from Wisconsin? Also, that guy–”
“–throws footballs, I know. Anyway, it fails, that play didn’t stand.”
“I should think not.”
You Are Old, Mr. Favre
“You are old, Mr. Favre,” a reporter did call.
“And you’ve seen quite a lot of the game.
And yet you incessantly throw the football
To the wrong team. Isn’t that a shame?”
“In my youth,” the veteran replied to the man,
“I had no control of my arm.
But I do as I’ve practiced, since that way I can
Be sure that I’ll come to no harm.”
“You are old,” said the youth, “as I mentioned before.
And have played with most uncommon skill.
Yet at the end, the Vikings just couldn’t score.
Surely this wasn’t part of your will?”
“In my youth,” answered Brett, taking his helmet off,
“I kept all my limbs in good care.
But now,” he went on, with a sigh and a cough,
“My bygone strength just isn’t there.”
“You are old,” said the youth, “and your jaws are too weak
For anything tougher than suet.
But your whispers will stir up new rumors each week.
Pray, how do you manage to do it?”
“In my youth,” Favre explained, “I’d pretend to broadcast
My made-up playoff victories.
My mouth got practice from those years so long past.
Now I can start rumors with ease.”
“You are old,” said the youth, “one can hardly suppose
That next season you will come back.
Or is that not true? You know how it goes.
Will you stay and help the attack?”
“I have answered three questions, and that is enough,”
Favre responded. “Don’t give yourself airs.
I’ll have the summer to think about that stuff.
Be off, or I’ll kick you down stairs!”
An Open Letter To Brett Favre
We’re sick of hearing all about your plight.
Old vets should step aside at close of play.
Step aside and make your exit, stage right.
Though pundits at their end know the time’s right
Because their words aren’t interesting, they
Make us sick talking all about your plight.
Although we saw you crying on that night,
And you asked what might have been in Green Bay,
Step aside and make your exit, stage right.
Wild men who threw the footballs into flight
And learn, too late, they sent them the wrong way,
Are sick of hearing all about your plight.
Grave fans, in spring, wondering in hindsight
If you should have blazed like a meteor, say,
“Step aside and make your exit, stage right.”
You’re already descending from your height.
Please go, or at least tell us if you’ll stay.
We’re sick of hearing all about your plight.
Step aside and make your exit, stage right.
